The Maltese Noir/transcript

Transcript
Episode Aired: November 11, 2017

Episode Copyrighted: 2017

This episode is rated TV-Y7.

* Episode starts in black and white*

It's raining outside, in Squidward's House, Leni with her detective clothes drops off from Taxi where Squidward and Lori live in his house.

Leni Loud: *narrates* It started to rain and that's how it began. Their life smashed to bits. His living room covered in broken dreams. Without his clarinet, the world was a drab and colorless place.

Squidward Tentacles: *picks up the pillow and hears SpongeBob and Lincoln giggling outside*

Lori Loud: Huh?!

Leni Loud: *narrates* And that's when they saw us, their first suspect.

SpongeBob and Lincoln are playing in the puddles.

Leni Loud: *narrates* When it comes to paying the stupid bill, SpongeBob and Lincoln always tipped 20%.

SpongeBob SquarePants: *puts sand in my head and drains it out of my holes*

Leni Loud: *narrates* They had to be involved and I walk over to SpongeBob and Lincoln. *to SpongeBob and Lincoln* Hey guys?

Lincoln Loud: Hey Leni.

Squidward Tentacles and Lori Loud: *walks over to SpongeBob like Leni did*

Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob and Lincoln, what have you done with my clarinet?

Lori Loud: And what are you guys doing here?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Ooh, Squidward and Lori, you're so hard-boiled. Are you playing a game? Oh, oh, can I play?

Squidward Tentacles: I know you guys stole my clarinet! Tell me *slaps them* where! *slaps them again* It! *slaps them again* Is!

SpongeBob SquarePants: *slaps myself* I *slaps myself again* Don't! *slaps myself again* Know! *giggles* It couldn't have been me, Squidward and Lori. I have an alibi. I was at Grandma's house all day and I have the kissy marks to prove it, *points to the kissy marks on my head* see? There's room for one more.

Lincoln Loud: Look, there's kisses on my head, see. *points to the kissy marks on my head like SpongeBob*

Squidward and Lori are grossed out and they push SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni away.

Leni Loud: *narrates* Our alibi was solid. Only a family member could stomach putting their lips on this fool.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You know, we have lots of friends. Maybe they could help us find your clarinet.

Squidward Tentacles: I don't have friends. I have suspects.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, Squidward, don't you know a suspect is just a friend you haven't cleared of charges yet?

SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *gets pushes down by Squidward and Lori*

Lincoln Loud: So... can we help you solve your case? Please, please, please?

Squidward Tentacles: Try not to get in the way.

Lori Loud: Of course, it is.

Leni Loud: Is it a play-date?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah! It's a play-date! I mean...

SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *changes into our detective clothes*

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: All right, we'll partner up with you this time. *flips coins and they disappear*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?

Yellow Rectangle: Hey guys, I'm wearing detective clothes.

Pink Rectangle: Mine too.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Yellow, Pink Rectangle, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *flips coins*

The scene changes to Squidward, SpongeBob, Yellow, Pink, Lori, Leni and Lincoln driving in the streets as rain pours down.

Leni Loud: *narrates* Their... *clears throat* partner and them decided to check out my next suspect, the owner of a local greasy spoon. They figured a little "Good cop, bad cop" would get his jaw flapping so I–

Lincoln Loud: *narrates* Oh! How about you, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob SquarePants: *narrates* Oh! Can we be the bad cop? Please, please, can I, please?

Squidward Tentacles: *narrates* Yes, if you guys get out of my hard-boiled narration!

Lori Loud: *narrates* Oh.

SpongeBob SquarePants: *narrates* Sorry.

Lincoln Loud: *narrates* That's okay.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Leni, Lincoln Loud, Yellow and Pink Rectangle: *flips coins*

They drive up to the Krusty Krab. They walk up to the front doors.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln, Leni Loud, Yellow and Pink: *flips coins and the coins disappear*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln, Leni Loud, Yellow and Pink Rectangle: *gets pulled into the restaurant by Squidward and Lori*

Mr. Krabs, Blue and Lola are in his office playing with his money.

Mr. Krabs: What the–

Lola Loud: Tea, Mr. Krabs?

Squidward Tentacles and Lori Loud: *comes in and kicks away the desk*

Blue Rectangle: Hey, what gives?

Lori Loud: Hey Lola.

Lola Loud: *drinks tea*

Squidward Tentacles: Hey, Mister Krabs, how are you doing? Can I get you some tea? Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? *gives Mr. Krabs a cup of tea and he sips it* Now, where were you earlier–

SpongeBob SquarePants: You seem hungry, dear. Home-cooked meal? *gives Mr. Krabs a microwavable meal*

Lincoln Loud: Thanks SpongeBob!

Squidward Tentacles: What are you doing, guys? *clears throat and pulls out a nail filer* Manicure?

Mr. Krabs: Huh? *gets my claw filed by Squidward and Lori*

Lola Loud: *pulls in a makeover* Princess Makeover? *puts Mr. Krabs in the makeover machine, and out comes Mr. Krabs with a long, blonde wig* *sprays him with "Make Up in a Can" afterward* Hello Leni, did you miss me? *holds out a wad cash* Mr. Sprinkles, if you would be so kind to add my change to -- *realizes he isn't there* WHERE'S MR. SPRINKLES?! *holds Eunice* Who took my bear full of cash, Eunice?!

Squidward Tentacles: Warm blanket? *puts the blanket onto Mr. Krabs*

SpongeBob SquarePants: New shoes? *pushes Squidward and Lori*

Squidward Tentacles: Hey!

Lori Loud: Don't push us!

Lola Loud: *puts shoes on Mr. Krabs' feet*

Blue Rectangle: Hey!

Mr. Krabs: *rips the blanket* Enough!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, check out the dame.

Mr. Krabs now appears as a woman. Squidward and Lori is grossed out at the appearance and nearly throws up.

Mr. Krabs: What in the salty seven seas are you all doing?!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, uh, we're playing "Good cop, good cop." Sorry, Squidward and Lori, I don't know how to be the bad cop!

Squidward Tentacles: *grabs and pulls down a hanging lamp over Mr. Krabs* We're looking for my clarinet, Eugene. I know you broke into my house this afternoon! I know you stole it! Now fess up!

Mr. Krabs: This afternoon? Well, I was–I've been here all day, counting me money! Just look at me butt groove! *points to his chair with butt grooves*

Leni Loud: Um, Lincoln?

Lincoln Loud: Yes Leni?

Leni Loud: Look.

Pink Rectangle: This guy over here.

Yellow Rectangle: Yeah.

SpongeBob SquarePants: *rubs my finger onto the butt groove* Good contours. *pushes on the seat* And still warm. Story checks out. *sniffs my finger, but notices it is extremely smelly*

Lincoln Loud: *to SpongeBob* What are you doing?

SpongeBob SquarePants: We're playing good cop.

Lola Loud: Hey Lincoln, I had princess makeover for Mr. Krabs.

Lincoln Loud: Thanks, Lola!

Lola Loud: No problem, Lincoln *to Leni* Hey Leni, I've been robbed! And you're the only one I can trust!

Leni Loud: Aw, thank you Lola!

Lola Loud: Don't get it twisted, sister. You're with me all day, so I know you're innocent.

Leni Loud: Oh, right.

Lola Loud: Here's the scoop. *produces a photo of my stuffed bear* Mr. Sprinkles has been taken, and I need you to find the two-bit goon who did it. I'd sniff him out myself, but I've got a gig at the Blue Monkey tonight.

Squidward Tentacles: All right, Mr. Krabs, we'll mosey along this time. *leaves* Come on, guys.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Mm, hmm. *leaves as his eyes extend; he pulls them back*

Mr. Krabs: Guys, if you do find that clarinet, could you bring it to me? So I can smash it to pieces!

Blue Rectangle: Yeah.

Lola Loud: I want you to be here tonight.

The scene changes Squidward and SpongeBob pulling up to the "Near Mint Comic Books" store to ask their next suspect.

Leni Loud: *narrates* We pulled up to the local dweeb market, where they hoped to find my next suspect: maven of all things moronic, Bubble Bass and Luna. The sign said closed, but they could hear their nerdy murmuring inside.

Bubble Bass is playing a board game with his friends inside the store and Luna with her detective clothes is playing piano.

Luna Loud: Hey dudes. *plays piano*

Bubble Bass: And then, from the depths of the barbeque, comes the ferocious, fire-breathing *pulls out my suburban dad action figure* Dad!

Squidward Tentacles: *kicks the door* Bubble Bass! *my foot cramps up* Ow!

Lori Loud: Are you okay, Squidward?

Squidward Tentacles: I'm fine.

Bubble Bass: Huh? *runs away*

Lori Loud: *stops Squidward from chasing Bubble Bass* Squidward, wait! *pulls out his Mermaid Man action figure* Let him handle this.

The scene becomes an imaginary action show where SpongeBob's Mermaid Man action figure chases Bubble Bass's Suburban Dad action figure. They climb up the bookshelves, knocking over several comics.

Suburban Dad: *throws actions figures* Take that! And that! *Mermaid Man punches them away* What? *he gets corned to the edge* All right. You've got me cornered. But I won't give up without a fight!

Luna Loud: Let's play, dudes. *plays piano*

Mermaid Man: I was hoping you'd say that.

Mermaid Man and Suburban Dad go head to head with one another.

Mermaid Man: Evil.

Barnacle Boy: Wait, just a minute.

Leni Loud: *narrates* It was a real knockdown, drag-out fight. Or it would've been, if it hadn't been just two sad adults playing with toys.

Luna Loud: What are you two doing?

Bubble Bass: Wait. Wait! Roll the dice. Did his punch land?

Bubble Bass' friend: *rolls the dice* It's a hit!

Mermaid Man: *punches Suburban Dad*

Suburban Dad: *falls but is grabbed by Mermaid Man* Huh? Oh. *exhales*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Where were you this afternoon? Where's Squidward's clarinet?

Bubble Bass: I don't know what you're talking about. I was here all day. I swear it!

Lincoln Loud: Wait.

Mermaid Man: *loses his grip and the Suburban Dad action figure falls and breaks into pieces*

Suburban Dad: Billy, don't make me turn this boat around.

Bubble Bass: No! I still could have passed you off as near mint! *sobs*

Barnacle Boy: Alright, Mermaid Man, way to go.

Luna Loud: Hey Leni, here. *gives Leni money*

Leni Loud: Thanks.

Luna Loud: No problem, bro.

Bubble Bass' friends: *walks up to comfort Bubble Bass* Aww. So, sorry, man.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I am so sorry for your loss.

Yellow Rectangle: Hey, wanna come.

Pink Rectangle: *laughs*

Squidward Tentacles: I'm not. Come on, guys, let's go. This is a dead end. *leaves with SpongeBob*

Lori Loud: Yeah, you guys.

Later, the scene changes to The Loud House and it stops raining and the sun comes up.

Squidward Tentacles: Well there's only way we'll get used to it.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln, Leni Loud, Yellow and Pink Rectangle: *flips coins*

Lincoln Loud: Lana Loud?

Lori Loud: Yeah, do you know her?

Lana Loud: *eats dirty food* Hey, guys!

Yellow Rectangle: Hey Lana!

Lana Loud: Well, it's taking care of. *fixes Lola's car* It's nice outside.

Pink Rectangle: Yeah.

Leni Loud: So you wouldn't be trying to pull one over on Lola by stealing her precious stuffed bear.

Lana Loud: Are you kiddin' me?! Steal Mr. Sprinkles?! I'd be pushin' up daisies if I did that.

Leni Loud: Call me soft, but I believed her.

Lana Loud: *starts eating something... the cookie*

Leni Loud: Lana, don't eat my evidence!

Lana Loud: *gulps* Sorry. You know I love dog biscuits.

Leni Loud: Wait a minute. Those are dog biscuit crumbs?

Lori Loud: Forget it, Leni.

Squidward Tentacles: Guys, let's go.

Mermaid Man: Evil!

* Thunder and Lightning*

Barnacle Boy: What was that?!

Thunder and Lightning and it starts to rain again.

The scene changes to Squidward's house.

Squidward Tentacles: walks in and wrings out my hat* Well, there's only one more person on my list of suspects.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln, Leni Loud, Pink and Yellow Rectangle: *flips coins*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick Star?

Squidward Tentacles: Um, yeah, how'd you know?

SpongeBob SquarePants: *points to Patrick, who is eating some goo at the crime scene of where the Squidward's clarinet was taken*

Patrick Star: Hey, guys!

Squidward Tentacles: Well, the criminal returns to the scene of the crime. Spill the beans, Jack! Where's my clarinet?

Patrick Star: I don't know who Jack is! But I would like some beans!

Squidward Tentacles: Let me lay it out for you, Chucko. When I took my nap today, you broke in through the window, smashed my living room, got that goo you're eating all over and stole my clarinet!

Patrick Star: Oh, this isn't goo. It's jelly! The good stuff too, from real jellyfish. *eats some jelly*

Red Rectangle: Hey, guys!

Yellow Rectangle: Hey Red, join our crew.

Red Rectangle: Okay.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln, Leni Loud, Yellow and Pink Rectangle: *flips coins*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Real jellyfish jelly? You can only find that in one place. That means our thief…

Squidward Tentacles: Must have been at Jellyfish Fields! Let's go!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Right behind you, pal.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln, Leni Loud, Yellow and Pink Rectangle *flips the coin and they disappear* Huh?

Lincoln, Leni Loud, Yellow, Red and Pink Rectangle: *walks away from Squidward's House*

SpongeBob SquarePants: *gets dragged away by Patrick* Whoa!

The scene changes to Squidward, SpongeBob, Patrick, Lori, Leni, Lincoln, Yellow, Red and Pink with their detective clothes driving to Jellyfish Fields.

Leni Loud: *narrates* When we arrived at Jellyfish Fields, They could already hear his clarinet's dulcet tones.

Yellow Rectangle: There it is. Squidward's Clarinet. *points to Squidward's Clarinet*

Squidward, SpongeBob, Patrick, Lori, Leni, Lincoln, Yellow, Red and Pink pull over, step out of the car and see a giant hive in the middle of the fields. It is revealed that the culprit who stole Squidward's clarinet is a group of jellyfish who are blowing through it to make music.

Squidward Tentacles: My baby! *grabs the clarinet from the jellyfish* Ha!

The episode turns color on, stops raining again and the sun comes up again.

Lincoln Loud: Everything is back to normal.

Yellow Rectangle: Yeah.

Red Rectangle: But, what about us?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh! So it was the jellyfish that took your clarinet. But from the sound of it, I'd say they've learned that crime doesn't play! *giggles*

Patrick Star and Leni Loud: *slaps them*

Squidward Tentacles: *plays music with my clarinet*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Look, Squidward. The jellyfish are fans of your music.

Patrick Star: We should solve another mystery now.

Leni Loud: Aw, Lincoln thanks!

Lincoln Loud: Your welcome, Leni.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah, uh, how about the mystery of where all our coins went?

SpongeBob SquarePants, Leni, Lincoln Loud, Yellow and Pink Rectangle: *flips coins and it disappears*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?

SpongeBob SquarePants, Leni, Lincoln Loud, Yellow and Pink Rectangle: *coins fall on us*

Patrick Star: Solved!

Red Rectangle: Yeah!

The scene changes to nighttime. The hive is now a nightclub where jellyfish can dine and watch the show.

Jellyfish: *A jellyfish bouncer allows the jellyfish to enter* Thank you.

The jellyfish sit back and watch Squidward play his clarinet on stage.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs, Patrick Star, Lori, Leni, Luna, Lincoln, Lana, Lola Loud, Yellow, Red, Pink and Blue Rectangle: *watches the show while wearing earplugs*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, yeah! Yeah, Squidward! *whistles*

Mr. Krabs: *curls my hair*

Patrick Star: *eats a bowl of jellyfish jelly*

Lana Loud: *eats dirty food*

Luna Loud: *plays piano*

Leni Loud: *narrates* And that's how it ended. Clarinet returned. Case closed. Another mystery solved by: Squidward Tentacles, Jazz Detective. *to the viewers, continues to narrate* And that's the end of episode. Another mystery solved by: Leni Loud, Detective.

* It says "THE END" Episode ends*