Commander Squidward/transcript

Transcript
Episode Aired: March 19, 1994

Episode Copyrighted: 1994

Episode Produced: 1993

This episode is rated TV-Y7 for The Expect Smart Actually Season 1. This is the thirty-fourth episode of The Expect Smart Actually.

The episode begins at Squidward's house.

Squidward Tentacles: *walks outside and breathes getting ready to tend to my carrot garden, then breathes a sigh of relief* What a beautiful Summer Day! Sun's out, temperatures baking, and dumb people are at the beach instead of here! Of course though, Autumn and less optimism is better! Ha ha ha! I'm talking to myself… again… *gets ready to water my carrots when suddenly a clam shell lands on them* Wait, what the?

Three more shells land.

Squidward turns to see Spongebob trying to make Gary play fetch the shells.

SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: Come on Gary!

SpongeBob SquarePants: You gotta catch those shells not wait.. hey! Don't eat the rest!

Gary the Snail: *munches* Mrow Mrow Mrow.

Squidward Tentacles: SPONGEBOB AND LINCOLN!!!!

Lincoln Loud: Oh hey, Squidward!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Will you fetch the shells?

Squidward Tentacles: NO! I AM NOT FETCHING ANY STUPID SHELLS! BUT WHAT ARE THEY DOING ON MY CARROTS?!!

Lincoln Loud: Oh sorry, I guess our pitch was too tough, ha! Get it!

Squidward Tentacles: Your jokes are garbage.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Well sorry Squid, if a certain snail would’ve just fetched them, we would be fine!

Gary the Snail: *looks at SpongeBob and Lincoln, then makes gestures in the form of that sentence and continues eating the remaining clam shells*

Squidward Tentacles: I'll pick em up, I don't want that mutt on my carrots.

Lincoln Loud: What carrots?

Squidward Tentacles: My garden you Dope, as you can see right.. *stares in shock*

When he sees Patrick laying on the soil after having devoured every single carrot and seed.

Patrick Star: *belches* Now I can go for Barnacle Chips!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey Pat!

Patrick Star: Hey SpongeBoob!

Lincoln Loud: What?!

Squidward Tentacles: GET OUT!! *picks up Patrick and throws him inside his rock*

Patrick Star: Hey thank y—

Squidward Tentacles: *slams the rock shut and storms off inside grunts angrily slamming my own door shut as well*

Lincoln Loud: But what could they up to?

In The Loud House Lola and Lynn were watching Operation dessert storm and an angry Lori busted down the door.

Lynn Loud Jr.: Hey Lori, how was your anniversary with Bo-

Lori Loud: *gets angry* DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT MENTIONING HIS NAME, AND THAT GOES FOR THE REST OF YOU, MENTION THAT NAME AGAIN OR I WILL TURN ALL OF YOU INTO HUMAN PRETZELS!!! JUST LIKE SQUIDWARD DID!!!

She angrily storms up to her room.

Lynn Loud Jr.: Dang, that was awkward.

It was the next night and Lori along with Leni and Lucy were watching "Vampires of Melancholia", until Bobby came to the house.

Bobby Santiago: Hey Babe, I wanted to say I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday, so let bygones be bygones that– *notices Lori and her sisters watching T.V.* What are you watching?

Lucy Loud: Vampires of Melancholia.

Leni Loud: Or VOM for short.

Lucy Loud: Sigh

Bobby Santiago: *uninterested* Yeah *goes to Lori* Lori, I got reservations at a fancy Restaurant downtown.

Lori Loud: *ignores Bobby* That's nice honey.

Bobby Santiago: *annoyed* Lori, Are you listening to me?

Lori was so busy watching T.V. She was more focused on actor Blake Bradley.

Lori Loud: *in thought* Oh Blake Bradley, you are literally a dream guy for me *sighs*

Bobby was getting more and more jealous and impatient, he got to the back of the T.V. and unplugged it from the wall, the T.V. blacked out and the sisters were shocked, not only that the T.V. was out, but Bobby was staring Lori in the face with anger.

Lori and Leni Loud: Wait, Tristan!!!

Bobby Santiago: Sorry girls but *sarcastically* "What's his face" is not stealing my girl.

Lucy Loud: Bobby, Why did you unplug the television set?

Bobby Santiago: *to Leni and Lucy* Uh girls, can I talk to Lori *glares Lori in the face* Alone?

Lori was grinning so nervously, she hid her face behind the pillow, Leni and Lucy decided to go back to their respective rooms.

Leni Loud: What's up with them?

Lucy Loud: I don't know, but let's stay out of this one.

Leni Loud: Unless, if there is some way we can help.

Bobby Santiago: *gets angry* LORI, HOW COULD YOU?

Lori Loud: How could I?

Bobby Santiago: *gets angry* FLIRTING WITH SOME GUY T.V.

Lori Loud: But he's cute.

Bobby Santiago: *gets angry* YOU THINK HE'S CUTE, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?

Lori Loud: Well uh-uh-uh-

Bobby Santiago: *gets angry* DON'T ANSWER, I'M A NOBODY AM I? HUH? AM I?

Lori Loud: Bobby, you are somebody I love from the bottom of my heart.

Bobby Santiago: *gets angry* WELL, WHERE IN YOUR HEART? THE BRITISH GUY? THE ACTOR? CLYDE? SPONGEBOB? PATRICK? YELLOW? RED? WHO ELSE LORI? WHO ELSE?

Lori Loud: Nobody but you, you mean to me more than anything!

Bobby Santiago: *gets angry* YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT? IS THERE ANY OTHER DUDE YOU LOVE MORE THAN ME?

Lori Loud: *gets upset* No, there is nobody else I love more than you or my family.

Bobby Santiago: *gets angry* HOW CAN I LOVE SOMEBODY WHO HAS A CRUSH ON ANOTHER DUDE I DO NOT KNOW BEHIND MY BACK?

Lori Loud: I don't know.

Bobby Santiago: *gets angry* OF COURSE YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT? UNLESS IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER GUY COMING IN BETWEEN US, I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU FOR TONIGHT. *storms out of the house*

Lori got so upset she ran to her room while her whole family witnessed what was going on.

Lori Loud: *gets upset* WHAT ARE YOU GUYS LOOKING AT? MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS IS ON CRISIS!

Rita Loud: But sweetie, don't you want somebody in your family to talk to you?

Lori Loud: *gets upset* NO!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, *to Leni* LENI, YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!

SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: *angrily enters the Loud House, to Lori* LORI, THAT IS NOT VERY NICE BECAUSE YOU'RE GROUNDED!

Lori Loud: *gets upset* SpongeBob, what did I do?

SpongeBob SquarePants: *angrily* LORI, YOU'RE SLEEPING ALONE IN YOUR OWN ROOM! PATRICK, LENI AND I ARE SLEEPING WITH LINCOLN IN HIS ROOM!

Patrick Star: *angrily* YEAH!

Lori Loud: FINE, I'M SLEEPING ALONE! *slams the door in anger, then begins to cry my eyes out in my bed*

Luna Loud: Dude, that was harsh.

Lynn Loud Jr.: And awkward.

Lola Loud: What's going on here? My beauty sleep has been interrupted.

Luan Loud: Apparently, Bobby and Lori are in a complicated relationship.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?

Leni Loud: I hope she'll be okay.

Rita Loud: I hope so too, I can't live like this.

Lynn Loud Sr.: You know, your mother and I sometimes fight each other, but not like what's up with Lori and Bobby.

Rita: It's okay for couples to get into arguments, although it may get nasty, but they still love each other.

Lynn Loud Sr.: Arguments will end in a good way or a bad way sometimes, if they come to their senses, their relationship will be saved.

Lana Loud: And if it doesn't?

Rita Loud: Then the relationship ends.

Leni Loud: You mean they get divorced?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah.

Lynn Loud Sr.: *to SpongeBob and Leni* No honey, they don't get divorced.

Rita Loud: A divorce is when two married couples decide to end their marriage when it's too complicated for them.

Lynn Loud Sr.: But let's not talk about that.

Lincoln Loud: Let's just go back to bed you guys, I hope we don't be up all night with any of that drama.

Leni Loud: Lincoln, can I sleep with you tonight? I can't sleep with Lori when she's upset.

Lincoln Loud: Sure Leni, I don't see why not?

Leni Loud: *hugs Lincoln tightly* Thanks Linky.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Lincoln, can Patrick and I sleep with you too?

Lincoln Loud: Sure.

Patrick Star: Thank you, Linky.

While Lori was still crying her eyes out, she eventually went to sleep in peace.

The slide transition to SpongeBob's Kitchen where SpongeBob, Sandy, Leni and Lincoln are making Origami.

Leni Loud: Well, that's your loss! It's a 10th in a row!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Barnacles! 10th loss in a row!

Sandy Cheeks: Texas Origami is never bested!

Lincoln Loud: What about Oklahoma?

Sandy Cheeks: Y'all, say that again?

Lincoln Loud: Never mind.

Leni Loud: Well anyways Linky, you said that Squiddy had a meltdown earlier?

Lincoln Loud: Yep.

Leni Loud: Why?

Lincoln Loud: My friend SpongeBob threw a couple of shells into his carrot garden while trying to make Gary play fetch and.. Patrick ate all of the carrots.

Leni Loud: *gasps*

Sandy Cheeks: That is a bummer.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Bummer indeed.

Leni Loud: Hey uh Spongey?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes?

Leni Loud: Did you by any chance spend any sleepovers at Squiddy's?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Nope, why do you ask?

Sandy Cheeks: I was thinking, how about you and Patrick try to ask to sleepover in a sophisticated manner to appease the old blue grouch and get past this here little issue.

Lincoln Loud: You think he will say yes?

Sandy Cheeks: If you guys behave.

SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln, and Leni Loud: *smiles and yells* WAHOO!!

While shooting into his ceiling like a firework but hitting a light and then mildly exploding.

SpongeBob SquarePants: *falls to the ground and wipes off some ashes*

Lincoln Loud: We're gonna go and invite Patrick!

Sandy Cheeks: Okay, Ima return home to continue working on my Mind Control Gizmo Thingy, so cannot wait to get revenge on that city slicker Master Lox and Plankton! See ya. *exits*

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *runs to Patrick's, then knocks on the rock*

The rock opens. SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni can't find Patrick.

Lincoln Loud: Hello?

Voice: Go away!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?

Voice: Go away, food collector! I shoplifted those chicken nuggets fair and square!

Leni Loud: Patrick, is that you?

Patrick Star: Yes! Now leave!

Lincoln Loud: Pat, it's us, SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni.

Patrick Star: *jumps out of a corner and startles SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni*

Pat is dressed in defensive gear with a tight grip on chicken nuggets (Ages: 4-6).

Patrick Star: Oh, hey guys! *returns to his shorts and eats the chicken nuggets and the cardboard box* Aaaah, now, are we going to Pizza Castle?

SpongeBob SquarePants: No.. we were wondering if you want to go to a sleepover at Squidward's.

Patrick Star: SLEEPOVER AT SQUID’S?!! I WANNA GO! I WANNA GO!

Lincoln Loud: Okay, then!

Leni Loud: Totes!

SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *exits the rock and goes right up to Squidward's front door*

Lincoln Loud: *knocks on the door*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh ho, ho, we can't wait to see his amazing paintings and sculptures!

Patrick Star: And his toilet paper!

Lincoln and Leni Loud: Squidward!

Squidward Tentacles: *answers* Oh no, what do you four lightweights want now?!

Lincoln Loud: Aaaah…. Can we sleepover at your abode!!! Please! Please!

Squidward Tentacles: No.

Leni Loud: But we totes will help you paint and play your amazing music!

Squidward Tentacles: No

Lincoln Loud: We can cook!

Squidward Tentacles: No means No!

Patrick Star: We can check out your toilet paper!

SpongeBob SquarePants: No we will not!

Squidward Tentacles: Exeunt you four losers! I must have a night alone with my clarinet!

Leni Loud: We could check your wipes as well!

Squidward has a, “I'm so done” look on his face and prepares to close his door until SpongeBob and Lincoln stop him with one final proposal.

SpongeBob SquarePants: We could pay you cash!

Squidward Tentacles: Not inter….. Go on..

SpongeBob SquarePants: All I got is my usual $7 a month from work.

Patrick Star: I have a quarter, a piece of string, a deadbolt and a tooth!

Squidward Tentacles: Hmmmm, $10, or leave.

SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *rushes off to his house quickly*

They find a dollar under Gary's shell, a dollar hidden behind a Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and Ace Savvy and One Eyed Jack pictures and two dollars each in the clogged shower drain.

SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *rushes back*

Lincoln Loud: $11! Is that acceptable?

Squidward Tentacles: Hmmm, ugh, fine, enter you boobs.

The slide transition cuts to Squidward with a military hat on explaining the Casa de Squidward rules to a preppy SpongeBob and Patrick and a drooling Patrick and Leni.

Squidward Tentacles: Rule 1, no using my bathroom, you use a bucket only!

They nod.

Squidward Tentacles: Rule 2, no using of anything but your own junk you brought with you.

They nod.

Squidward Tentacles: And Rule 3, any broken item?!!! I am calling the coppers!! compesh?!

Patrick Star: Heh heh, you said compress!

Squidward Tentacles: Compesh?!!

Patrick Star: I said yes!

Leni Loud: Totes yes!

Squidward Tentacles: Alright then, now stay away from me, I need to go upstairs and take a warm 52 minute bubble bath! Don't touch anything except your stuff! *rushes upstairs to get going on my bubble pleasure*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay Pat, you heard the man, don't break any- PATRICK!!

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *finds Patrick laying down all over Squidward's Porcelain White Couch surfing all the TV channels and snacking on some of Squid's cashews*

Patrick Star: finds the Mr. Grouse Channel, similar to a Mr. Grouse Production from The Loud House.

Mr. Grouse: Mr. Grouse presents, old man getting hit by football.

Mr. Grouse is smiling in the middle of a field until getting hit in the gut by a football. He too groans in pain.

Patrick Star: *spits out some cashews* Hahahahah! That old mad got hit in the gut with a football!

Leni Loud: *angrily turns off the TV* Patrick, what are you doing?!

Patrick Star: HEY! I was watching old dudes stinking at football!

SpongeBob SquarePants: PAT! Squidward told us not to use any of his appliances! Don't the rules matter to ya?!

Patrick Star: Rules?? School is too cool for me!

Lincoln Loud: Ugh, Pat, just respect our fine neighbor and don't watch TV!

Patrick Star: Fine!!! *gets off the couch taking the bowl of cashews with them*

SpongeBob SquarePants: Cashews! *gets the Cashews back, then prepares to lay down on the floor to play with my video game but then hears Patrick going upstairs* Oh no, no, no!

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud *rushes upstairs and follows our friend into Squidward's bedroom to find Patrick messing around with Squidward's different pairs of clothes*

Patrick Star: Hideous, ugly, out of date since the 80's! *finds a striped sweater, then throws it out the window*

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: PATRICK?!!

Patrick Star: Not now guys, I am trying to see if Squidward has at least one shirt that is not repulsive!

SpongeBob SquarePants: *grabs Patrick by the head and drags him out to the hallway* Yo?!

Patrick Star: What?

Lincoln Loud: What did I just say?!

Leni Loud: Yeah!

Patrick Star: What you just said?

Lincoln Loud: No, Pat, this isn't your house, you can't just rummage through somebody's clothes and throw them out the window!

Patrick Star: But I only wear Bermuda Trunks and I have no windows!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Don’t touch Squidward's clothes!

Patrick Star: *gets ready to speak*

Lincoln Loud: *cuts him off* Or his toilet paper!

Patrick Star: *groans sadly but then gets an idea* I want to touch his art! *rushes up to the gallery on the third floor*

Leni Loud: Ugghhhhhh!!

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *follows*

Patrick Star: *stares in amazement at the self-portraits of Squidward which are amazing to him*

SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni and obviously Squidward…. hideous to everybody else.

Patrick Star: I want to bring some home for my collection! I want uhhhh, the clown, the angry face, the cheeseburger, and…

SpongeBob SquarePants: *drags his tubby friend back to the second floor*

SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni are about to chastise Patrick again until the four hear voices in the bathroom.

Patrick Star: Who is that?

Lincoln Loud: I don’t know, let's listen.

The slide transition cuts to inside the bathroom, Squidward is happily enjoying his bubble bath and talking to himself.

Squidward Tentacles: It can’t get any better than this! Let's listen to Station 5! *grabs my bath radio and turns it on to station 5*

Announcer: Welcome to station 5, all your boring and sophisticated needs.

Squidward Tentacles: Livin the life!

Announcer: Our top stories are, “Local Squirrel Mind Controls Half-Pint Evil Genius with a gizmo thingy,” “It is now illegal for starfishes to access chicken nuggets,” and "Latest Navy Russian "connection is..

Squidward Tentacles: *turns off the radio immediately* Can I ever escape politics?? *returns to his bubble bath*

The four finish listening and converse.

Lincoln Loud: What do you think they were talking about?

Patrick Star: Evil double agents!

SpongeBob SquarePants: You can’t be serious?

Leni Loud: So, what do you think they're doing, Patrick?

Patrick Star: There were two! They just kidnapped Squidward and plot to destroy us and the house! Those fiends! Set up by Navy Ru–

Lincoln Loud: Don’t even mention that name.

Patrick Star: Anyways, I must stop them!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Now Pat, even if there are agents, I will still keep telling you, do not touch Squidward’s stuff!

Lincoln Loud: Yeah, Patrick! Do it what SpongeBob says!

Patrick Star: Guys, our skinny blue friend is in dire help, we must assist! We can let the rules slide!

Lincoln Loud: But Pat, the rules.

Patrick Star: Forget those rules! It’s war! I saw this on TV last night, fishinati agents taking over the world, killing us all, starting a World War! They got Squidward but will never get us! Do you want them to kidnap Gary?!

SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni have the thought of evil double agents breaking into his pineapple, stuffing Gary into a sack like the gorilla did to Patrick and Sandy once before and then taking off.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Let’s get them!

A montage is shown of SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni preparing to take down the “double agents” that are actually Squidward and what was a radio that was turned off.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *equips ourselves with jellyfish stingers and spikes*

Patrick Star: *puts on goggles, arms myself with bubbles and eats a single cashew*

SpongeBob SquarePants: *also puts on goggles and arms myself with bubbles*

Leni Loud: *also puts on goggles and arms myself with bubbles*

Lincoln Loud: *also puts on goggles and arms myself with bubbles*

Patrick Star: *gives myself a triple knotted wedgie*

As he yelps in pain so the “agent” won’t do it. He ties the tighty no longer whities with his paperclip and string on his single hidden piece of hair he still kept when he joined Plankton's scam band.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *puts on a bandana"

Patrick Star: *finds a stash of unused toilet paper and puts one on my conehead while pumping success like the success baby meme*

The montage ends and the four idiots are ready to be idiots. Squidward is resting his eyes in peace while being almost covered by the soapy water. The four idiots then barge into the bathroom in their gear (Squidward's appliances) to tackle the “agents.”

Squidward Tentacles: HEY?! I SAID YOU CAN’T USE MY BATHROOM! AND I’M NAKED!

Lincoln Loud: Oh no, the agent has disguised as Squidward!

Patrick Star: I’ll deal with this!

Squidward Tentacles: *climbs out of the tub only partially covered by soap bubbles* I am going to pummel you!!

Patrick Star: *inhales my set of bubbles and then regurgitates them all over Squidward's eyes*

Squidward Tentacles: AAAH! AAAH! MY EYES!!! AAAH!

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *sneaks behind Squidward and kicks him in all four kneecaps sending him to the ground*

Patrick Star: *climbs on the tub rail* Starfish Tumble Rumble! *topples over Squidward making him groan in pain*

Lincoln Loud: *punches him in the face*

Leni Loud: *puts some underwear and pants on Squid, then wedgies him*

SpongeBob SquarePants: *stings him with the jellyfish stingers*

Patrick Star: *plays “Twinkle Twinkle Patrick Star”*

After numerous horrible tortures. The four finally relent.

Squidward Tentacles: *lies on the ground, horribly maimed and mugged by four bozos*

Patrick Star: Agent isn’t giving up! I’ll get the watermelon!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait Patrick! This ain’t no agent, it is Squidward!

Patrick Star: Prove it!

SpongeBob, Lincoln and Leni, after taking the gear off of him

Patrick Star: *squeezes some ink out of Squidward* Oh, hey Squidward! You smell funny.

Squidward Tentacles *glances over at SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni, with a murderous look in my face*

Lincoln Loud: Heehee ah… Sleepover over.

Leni Loud: Totes.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *runs out of the bathroom at the speed of light*

Patrick Star: I like your cashews! *runs out too*

Squidward then glances at the camera and after spitting out some knocked out teeth, he manages to say this…

Squidward Tentacles: Agent-time…

Screen fades in black and it says "THE END". Episode ends.